GOODNESS

I’d say the last thirty six days had been surreal but that would imply that they were irrationally real. Like more real than reality, when in fact they have felt less than real. The opposite of surreal is real, but that feels all wrong too. The last month plus has felt dull and colorless; at times frustrating. It’s like I’ve been waiting for something to be able to move forward. Maybe that’s just what the whole processing cancer thing does.

There is good news. I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get the news I already knew last Friday, thanks to the fine folks at EPIC. MyChart alerted me to the results of a blood test some three hours later. My PSA, the number that started this whole deal is now less than .10 down from 6.83, pre surgery. This means that I don’t have prostate cancer anymore, which is unsurprising as I had the whole prostate removed. I should be celebratory. Relieved. Not to sound ungrateful, but I really don’t feel a whole lot. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that this is good. I just don’t feel much of anything. (See above paragraph, sentence five).

Instead, I almost feel guilty. Like I didn’t get cancer good enough. This is idiotic, but just another layer of the many cruelties I(we) heap upon my(our)selves. I don’t know why I am this way. Maybe I am just processing things. I don’t know.

I also wonder if part of cancer is a doubt that just because they tell you that you are likely without it, you don’t believe them. A sort of “once you get it, you always got it.” sort of a thing.

I also know that processing the post surgery “side effects” will continue to be a daily reminder. That won’t go away until said side effects go away. If they do. That’s very real.

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The clarity that proceeded the last month or so was replaced with a fog. A constant questioning of everything in my life, this from a person who constantly questions everything already. I would not fall prey to the the pre-cancer me, trials and tribulations. I would not waste the time I have here. I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes. 36 days later and things are clear as mud. Mistakes pre approved for the coming days and weeks.

I want that clarity back. That singleness of purpose I had pre surgery. That list of things I’d do and wouldn’t do. I wish I would have written them down. Captured for a later date. I didn’t anticipate them disappearing into the ether.

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I am thankful. To my wife, kids, mom and friends who have helped me recover and kept me from doing things I shouldn’t. To everyone who sent a prayer or a vibe or a message or aqueous transmission of goodness to me. Get sick and you will find out how loved you are. Truly.

This week I was able to run a couple of times and that felt like a small victory. This return to a thing that grounds and calms me. I know that clarity I seek is out there in the miles. Waiting to be grasped and held close.

Goodness and peace, found in each subsequent footfall.

#hugsandhi5s